


water out of wine

by crotchety_old_emu



Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies), The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types
Genre: Angst, Bucky Barnes & Natasha Romanov Friendship, Bucky Barnes Needs a Hug, Bucky Barnes Recovering, Depression, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/M, Friends to Lovers, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Mind Control Aftermath & Recovery, Natasha Romanov Is a Good Bro, Not Avengers: Age of Ultron (Movie) Compliant, Not Captain America: Civil War (Movie) Compliant, Post-Captain America: The Winter Soldier, Recovery, Slow Burn, Steve Needs a Hug, Steve Rogers & Natasha Romanov Friendship, Steve Rogers Feels, Stucky - Freeform, Suicidal Thoughts, clintasha (mentioned)
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-05-31
Updated: 2018-06-13
Packaged: 2019-05-16 11:04:51
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 9
Words: 13,865
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14810156
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/crotchety_old_emu/pseuds/crotchety_old_emu
Summary: a lot of things are important to steve rogers: freedom, equality, honesty. but right now, now he knows bucky is alive, nothing is as important as finding him. steve will stop at nothing to help his friend, even if it means running himself down - or worse. to the end of the line.





	1. I

**Author's Note:**

> i started writing this about a month after i'd first seen winter soldier - after about my tenth viewing. it was originally supposed to be the story of bucky slowly and gradually coming out of his own head and finding a way back to sort of being the person he once was. but after a while, i lost my inspiration and motivation to finish it and only got back to it a year later. then steve kind of hijacked the plot. so it's kind of become his story instead. i hope i still did bucky's struggle justice, though. also, NOT civil war- or infinity war-compliant. this does speak of the same events as in age of ultron, but they don't necessarily happen as they do in the movie.
> 
> i've been working on this for years and, even though it is not entirely finished, it feels like the right time to start posting this - otherwise i never might. i hope you enjoy it.

**WATER OUT OF WINE**

i can walk up the walls  
but can't make water out of wine  
so i'm desperate for some cold rain  
to wash those hands of mine

_  
water out of wine - **balthazar**_

 

**I.**

'What if you can't find him?' Natasha asks quietly, leaning against the door post, when they're about four months (in which - surprisingly - the world hasn't tried to end) into the search.

'I thought you were figuring out new covers,' Steve replies as he turns to look at her. He honestly hadn't expected her here, but it's hardly the most shocking thing to happen to him in the last week, even.

She doesn't say anything, just gives him a look that clearly says she's unimpressed and shakes her head slightly. When Steve doesn't continue the conversation, she asks again, 'What if you can't find him?'

It's a fair question - since these four months have been a wild goose chase, checking out one improbable lead after another - and a tough one that no one, not even Tony, has dared to ask him yet. But Natasha dares, and Natasha does ask and Steve, he, well - if not loves her for it, at least respects and appreciates her greatly for taking it upon herself. But that doesn't mean he'll give her a different answer than he would have done the others.

'Then I'll look some more,' Steve says as he goes back to face the article Sam dug up for him about a Russian factory up in Boston that could have been a cover for HYDRA. It could be something, it's probably nothing, like it was all the other times, but he's still making notes and trying to remember how much gas is left in the bike.

Before she gets the chance to ask another question - as Steve can hear she wants to from her intake of breath - he looks at her and says, 'And if I still can't find him then, I'll keep looking until I do or until I die of old age.'

She quirks an eyebrow and gives him a half-smile. 'At ninety-six, hard to tell what will come first,' she says hoarsely and anyone that hadn't spent as much time in life-threatening situations with her would've missed the teasing tone to her voice. It's gone when she speaks again. 'Is he worth it?'

Steve sighs and closes the laptop - the internet holds few secrets for him these days, but he's still not a step closer to figuring out how Google Maps works (it never does what he wants it to do, Sam thinks it's hilarious) or how to get to Boston and Bucky. And it's another one of those questions no one has dared to ask him before, he won't put off answering it as long as his friends had asking it. So he gestures for her to come in and take a seat.

She does, quietly and gracefully, completely in control of her body and the situation, completely aware of the nearest exit and the fastest way to get there. Steve would have been insulted if he hadn't learned by now that perhaps you could take Natasha out of secret agency, but you never could take the secret agent out of Natasha.

'Remember when Loki had Clint?' he says without preamble. He sees Nat stiffen, but it wouldn't have been fair to her to beat around the bush, and she wouldn't have stood for it anyway. 'You are the best at what you do. I've seen you effortlessly fool demi-gods and corrupt politicians. But when he had Clint you were shaken and angry and you didn't even try hiding it.'

He says "try", because he knows damn well that - had she wanted them to - not a single person in that room would've known she'd ever even met Barton. But she chose not to - not because she didn't have the skill set, but because at that point, she couldn't care that it made her vulnerable to others. Getting Barton back was her top priority. He sees that now - after she's saved his hide on a number of occasions where a lesser operative wouldn't have been able to hold it together, and after Bucky's come back into his life. 'Would you have given up on him?' he asks simply.

She doesn't answer, she just narrows her eyes at him and he assumes she's gotten the point. 'You were that close?' she asks eventually, eyes still in slits as she searches his face.

'Where Bucky went, I followed,' he tells her, leaning back in his chair and holding up his hands in surrender. Then he shakes his head. 'Or perhaps Bucky followed where I went, I don't know. We lived in each other's pockets for so long it got kinda hard to tell.'

Natasha doesn't speak, as if she knows he wants to tell her more, and he wonders if this is her reading him like she was trained to do or if she really wants to hear it. But it doesn't matter either way. She's still sitting here, still waiting, because she realizes that this is what he needs and he can't really say he's seen her do it outside of the job, when there was something she could get out of it, so he continues gratefully.

'The only time in my life I can remember not talking to him every day was when he was overseas. Before - you know.' He gestures at his body and rolls his eyes. He doesn't have to explain, because honestly, he doesn't think there's anyone left on the planet that doesn't know his story - or this part of it, at least. 'Bucky would've said we were like brothers.'

'Not you?' Natasha asks without missing a beat, her face open and soft without betraying any emotion at all. It's a skill. And he could've known she would see through that phrasing immediately, but then again, he wouldn't have continued this conversation if he was afraid it would lead here. The question is long overdue anyway.

'I've had a very long time to come to terms with that,' he says and shrugs. And he has. He isn't ashamed - he might have been when he was younger, but by the time Bucky and him were blowing up HYDRA-bases, the only thing he felt genuinely guilty about was that being by Bucky's side like this made him happy like he'd never been before, even if people all around him were being killed.

And now he was living in this time and age, where gay marriage was legal, even if not entirely accepted, and he had even less reason to feel bad about loving his best friend.

It had been Bucky who'd kept him alive and safe all those years so he could do the same for a lot of men and women during the war, and perhaps even now still. Loving him for that wasn't anything to be ashamed of, Steve had come to realize ever since Bucky fell. And he'd wished - still does - every day that he'd come to that conclusion sooner and differently. He doesn't think Natasha would judge him for it, not after what they've been through - and he can tell from her expression that he's right.

'You know,' she starts hesitantly, 'you know that even if you find him, the chances of actually finding Bucky -' She stops talking abruptly and Steve wonders if this is where she draws the line with the difficult questions, if she figures that this is the one that will break him, after all.

He just smiles at her, chest swelling with warmth. 'I'm ninety-six, but I'm not senile, Nat. Or stupid.'

How can I, Bucky took all the stupid with him, he thinks, and if it aches to be reminded of their last night before Bucky went to war and they set all of this in motion, at least it's a good ache and one that he knows intimately. One that he's learned to hide too well, perhaps.

Natasha smirks that little smirk of hers again, only one corner of her mouth tugging up, and then pulls a face. 'Jury's still out on that one.'

He gives her his best 'Captain America is disappointed in you'-look and she just shrugs it off.

'I know there's very little chance I will ever get Bucky back,' he says and apparently saying it out loud does make it more real. 'But I gave up on him once and look where that got him.'

'It wasn't your fault.' It seems - for just one fraction of a second, but Steve caught it - as if she might reach for him. She doesn't move. 'You couldn't have known he'd survive the fall.'

'No, I could have,' Steve says and nods. And while he thinks this is nothing he'll ever come to terms with or that he'll ever forgive himself for, it's the truth. 'I could have gone back to check, but I assumed. I'm not gonna make the mistake of underestimating him twice, Nat. It wouldn't do either of us justice.'

Natasha says nothing for a while, and just when Steve thinks he might have pushed too much, she sighs heavily and shakes her head. 'Your life would be a lot easier if you had just one bad bone in your body, Rogers.' She sounds gruff and he feels guilty, like he sometimes does, because he knows it makes her uncomfortable when he's honest with her like that and he doubly appreciates that she asks the questions anyway.

'You know me, easy's not my style,' he says, grinning, and watches her open his laptop to find the fastest route to Boston.

*

Boston turns out - as Steve had expected - to be a bust.

HYDRA may have been present in this factory at some point, but by the looks of it, they'd vacated the place a very long time ago and they took every precaution to make sure nothing of value would be left behind.

Not only had every single smashable thing been smashed to pieces, it has also been burned to a crisp. There was nothing left to recover.

And Steve knew - even before he started looking up information on the internet, he'd known that this was how they'd find the place, because that's exactly what they've found every other time he and Sam followed up on a lead. So he really shouldn't be as disappointed as he is. He shouldn't feel like this is another of the many, many times and the many, many ways he's let Bucky down, by now.

'I'm sorry, man,' Sam says, standing a few feet behind him, wings still out. 'It seemed as good a guess as any.'

And he should stop making Sam feel like he's letting him down, because he couldn't have asked for a more loyal or committed friend to stick with him through all this. A few months ago, he couldn't even have imagined he'd have any help, let alone this man who's dedicating every spare minute he has to trying to find Bucky for no better reason than because it's what Steve wants.

'It's not your fault,' he grinds out, flexing his knuckles like he might still get to fight today. Honestly, he wishes he would. It would make him feel so much better if he could at least once beat someone up for what they did to Bucky. For what they've done to their friendship.

Of course, if Steve had only been faster, paid more attention, they might've gotten to this place sooner and gotten some answers. They might have found Bucky by now.

But then again, it can be argued that if Steve had really paid attention, Bucky wouldn't have fallen in HYDRA's hands at all and they wouldn't even be in this mess.

God, he wishes he could punch someone.

'Not yours either,' Sam counters, as if he knows that this is where Steve's thoughts are headed.

'I guess so,' he says after Sam's already back up in the air - scouring the perimeter for anything that could be of use - but he believes it less and less every time they go home empty-handed.


	2. II

**II.**

'I'm telling you, man,' Sam says again, a few days later, pointing at Steve. 'I think this could be the real deal.'

'That's what you said about Boston,' Steve tells him, but there's no rancor in his voice. When he sees Sam open his mouth to answer, he continues, 'And Anaheim and Seattle and Lawrence. Should I continue?'

'I think you made your point,' he says, crossing his arms and squinting. 'Just trying to stay positive.'

Steve rubs his eyes and sighs deeply. 'I know, Sam. Thank you.' Then he looks at him and smiles. 'You're a good friend.'

'Damn straight,' Sam agrees proudly, but then he turns serious again. 'So we're not checking this thing out, then?'

'No, we definitely are,' Steve says, turning the article on the table towards him so he can read it again. 'I just think - We've been checking out North America for the past three months without any success. I don't think he's stateside any more and he probably hasn't been for quite a while. We should check out Europe, Asia - places HYDRA was just as present as the US.'

Sam looks at him for a while and takes a deep breath, leaning closer to Steve as he talks. 'Look, I know you think we're wasting time doing what we're doing, but none of the intel I got suggests HYDRA left America. I promise you these are solid leads, I wouldn't put you through this if I didn't think this info was genuine,' he says earnestly, looking him right in the eye. ‘They did operate out of Europe and Asia, but in the last ten years, they've mainly been working from the US. As far as we know, their head of operations was here. This is the best place we can look for anything that might help us find him. And you can't deny we've taken out a fair share of the remaining bases doing it, so it's not all bad, right?'

'I know,' Steve says again, letting his head roll backwards to rest on his sagging shoulders and looking at the ceiling. 'I'm sorry. I know you're doing the best you can and my leads have come up just as many dead ends as yours. It's just, I'm -'

'Frustrated, I get it. No need to apologize. We knew going in this wasn't gonna be easy,' Sam admits with a shrug as he gets up to pad over to Steve's fridge and opens it. He sighs heavily. 'Man, I know you can't get drunk, but would it seriously kill you to buy a few beers every now and then?

'I'll pick some up tomorrow,' he tells him, waving a hand dismissively.

'Nuh-uh,' Sam says, already tugging on his jacket. 'I'm gonna need some right now if I have to look at your sad face for the rest of the night. You want anything?'

'I'm fine, thanks.'

'Sure. I'll be - Nat,' Sam says as he opens the door. And sure enough, when Steve turns around, Natasha is there, holding a manila folder and looking as unimpressed as ever. 'You want anything?'

'World peace,' she says without missing a beat, then she adds - like she knows what they were talking about (which is no surprise to Steve at all), 'And bubblegum.'

It makes Sam stop in his tracks and he sizes her up like he's trying to determine whether she's joking or not. In the end, he must decide she means it, because he asks, 'Which kind?'

'The kind that blows the biggest bubbles,' she answers like it should be obvious and walks in. She doesn't watch Sam leave, but she does catch the confused look on Steve's face, because even he's wondering if she's fooling around.

'What?' she asks and pulls a sturgeon face. 'I ran out of those packets I bought at the hospital. It makes me look tougher.'

'Because that's what you need,' Steve says, smiling, as he turns back to his laptop. 'To look tougher.'

'Aw, don't tell me Captain America is scared of a little girl like me,' Natasha says in the same sweet voice that's fooled thousands of spies and even the god of mischief.

'Women don't scare me so much any more,' Steve tells her. 'But I sure am happy you are on my side.'

'You don't know the half of it,' she says and slams the folder onto the table, right on top of the article they were looking at. It has Cyrillic letters on it, which Steve can't understand, but by now, he knows enough to see it's not Russian.

'What's this?' Steve asks, hand already reaching for it, but she stops him with her own. Her face is serious and solemn, no hint of the playfulness that was there a few seconds ago.

'Are you sure you want to get into this?' Natasha asks, even though he's certain she knows his answer. He tries to tell her as much by just looking at her.

'Yeah, okay,' she says and rolls her eyes. 'It's just that last time you went face to face with this guy -'

'You found him?' Steve interrupts, heart suddenly racing.

Natasha falls silent and just looks at him, one eyebrow raised, communicating loud and clear that she doesn't like being cut off like that.

'Nat, please,' Steve says, and he doesn't care that he's begging. If he's honest, Steve isn't really sure he cares about anything but finding Bucky, these days. 'If you found him, you have to tell me.'

She keeps searching his face like she's trying to figure out if he can handle what she has to say. Then she blinks and shakes her head. 'I can't be sure, but this is a very reliable source.’

'Then we move, now,' Steve says, already getting up from the table.

'No,' Natasha tells him forcefully, pushing him back down. 'As I was trying to say, the last time you came face to face with him, you were in a coma for two days. The only other thing that ever managed to knock you out that long was the Arctic.'

'And?' Steve asks. He can't deny it - of course he's taking risks, but the only way he's going to walk away from Bucky, is if they're carrying him in a coffin. And he knows that's a real possibility.

'I know that if you hadn't pulled me out of the water, I'd probably be dead,' he says with a shrug when she doesn't speak again. He's only vaguely aware that he shouldn't be able to put it so offhandedly as he did. 'But you did and I'm not, and I'm not going to stop until I am dead or until Bucky's safe, with us.'

'What are you talking about?' Natasha asks, clearly confused. Steve, however, thinks this can't be news to her. No one should be in doubt over what he would do to get Bucky back. But what she says is, 'You crawled out of the Potomac yourself.'

'Nat, I could hardly even breathe after that fight. I'm pretty sure that getting out myself was not an option, supersoldier or not.'

'You don't remember?' she asks, eyes hooded, like she feels something suspicious is going on. 'Steve, we found you on shore. If you didn't get out of the water yourself, then who helped you?'

'Huh,' Steve says. It's the only thing he can say, really. 'I guess we must've had a couple more friends on the ground than we thought.'

She stares at him for another full minute, eyes narrowed and brow furrowed, before she speaks. 'I guess so,' she confirms, but she doesn't sound at all convinced. 'There's something else you have to consider as well. You've been looking for him for months without any results. Did it occur to you that he might not want to be found?'

He sighs and runs his tongue over his teeth to buy himself more time before answering. Of course, he has considered it - he thinks about it almost as much as he does about finding Bucky. 'Not an option,' he says in the end.

'Steve,' Natasha protests, head tilted in what he can only describe as fond exasperation.

'I know, Nat,' he tells her and he smiles. 'He's my friend, but he's also the guy who managed to slip under the intelligence community's radar for fifty years. If we find him, I know it's because he's letting us, but that won't keep me from looking.'

'If we find him?' she asks.

'As you said, I'm ninety-six,' he shoots back. 'I really might die before we do.'

'Then we better hurry,' Natasha says, deadpan, and the only thing Steve can think about is how she and Bucky would get on like a house on fire if they ever met. 'Romania is a twelve hour flight.'

Steve takes a deep breath, ignoring the way his heart is almost beating out of his chest (because supersoldier's hearts can't do that), and nods. They spend the rest of the night plotting out their trip and Natasha doesn't protest any more.

*

When they've got all their ducks in a row a few days later and the plan is ready to be set in motion, Steve boards the plane feeling the strange combination of dread and anticipation with which a five-year-old looks forward to their birthday party, multiplied by a thousand.

He can't wait to go forward with this, because honestly, seventy years of waiting is more than long enough. Even if he never fully realized what he was waiting for. He's more than ready to get this over with. But at the same time, he's scared to death about the few things in this mission that he can't control - like Bucky's reaction. Will he come willingly? Or will they come to blows like they did on the helicarrier? And if they do, will they both make it out alive again?

Somehow, Steve doubts he could get that lucky twice. One thing does he know for sure, is that if one of them is not coming away from this fight, he's going to do everything in his power to make sure that it is not Bucky.

At the end of the day, Bucky has to be safe. And that is all that matters.


	3. III

**III.**

It's been months of nothing. Wherever he turns up, there is nothing: nothing left of HYDRA, nothing to bring him closer to Bucky, nothing to help him. It's always nothing.

Except this time, there is a man. Who has done nothing for Bucky except take everything away from him that made him something. Someone. And Steve knows that he should do nothing about it, that he should take this man to the CIA or FBI or whatever agency is calling the shots these days, but -

But.

Steve Rogers can handle a lot of things - more than most, some would say. He could handle pretty much every ailment and affliction that was thrust on him. He could handle physical violence, even without the serum. He's handled waking up seventy years in the future pretty damn gracefully, if you ask him. He's handled losing almost every person he loves and even handled one of them coming back from the dead. Aliens, gods, flying robots, been there, done that. But if there's one thing Steve Rogers cannot - refuses to - handle, it's nothing.

So it isn't so much a clear decision as it is instinct, self-preservation, that makes him lurch for Karpov when he should have let him be taken into custody.

He can feel more than hear the bones crack, because the ringing in his ears is too loud. He can feel the clicking and scraping of bone against bone - little broken fragments being forced to grate against others by Steve's fists. And he feels how slippery the leather of his gloves has become from all the blood coating them, how they slide across Karpov's skin, the force tearing it in the process. But he doesn't stop.

'Steve!'

Everything seems to be happening in slow motion, yet still too fast for Steve to really understand what is going on. He feels his body move, his muscles strain, he hears the pounding of his fists on Karpov's face and his own labored breathing, but he doesn't feel like he is the one behind the wheel. His body has taken over and his mind has a very hard time catching up.

'Steve!'

Karpov has long lost consciousness, by now, but he doesn't slow down. He keeps at it, hitting him again and again and again and -

'Steve!'

This time the scream registers and he stops, finally, to turn his head to the side and really let Sam's voice sink in. He'd sounded desperate, afraid and angry and it takes him a few seconds to figure out why. That's when he realizes what he's done - what he was about to do. He looks up at his right fist, still hovering in the air, ready to land the blow that would quite probably be the last one for Karpov. His left fist, still curled in Karpov's coat, is shaking - but if it's with anger, restraint or dread, Steve can't tell.

He lets go and staggers back. He feels completely deflated and exhausted, and turns to Sam, already trying to find the words to apologize. And then he sees it's not him Sam's looking at, he's not even looking at Karpov, but at something to Steve's left.

He twists around quickly, feels his body getting ready to fight off another threat, and he freezes completely - everything freezes, Steve could swear even the blood in his veins stops pumping for a second - when his eyes land on Bucky.

Bucky doesn't move, either. He just stares at Steve with a bewildered look on his face, like he doesn't understand what he's just seen.

They stay like that for what seems like hours - and all the while, Steve is willing his body to do something as long as it gets him closer to Bucky, helps him get Bucky to safety and the fuck away from Karpov, but it is not listening. When he finally does manage to move, gets up from his knees, gets his mouth to speak, it is too late.

'Buck -' he says, voice hoarse and throat dry, like all the other times he's said his name meant nothing until Bucky was there to hear him. There's a racket that breaks the eye-contact between the two of them as they both look away to see what looks like a SWAT-team rush in and force Bucky to his knees.

Just as Steve is about to grab his shield and lay waste to every single one of them, he hears Natasha.

'Careful, guys. If you hurt one hair on his head, I 'll kill you before Cap even has the chance. And I won't be as nice about it.'

At first he thinks she's going to demand they let him go, but all he gets from the team are a series of yes, ma'ams as they take Bucky - who doesn't struggle at all - away.

'Natasha,' Sam says, voice low and careful. He sounds just as confused as Steve feels. 'What's going on?'

'Told you,' Natasha says with a shrug and a twitch of her lips as she walks the same way the SWAT-team did. 'My intel is never wrong.'


	4. IV

**IV.**

'You brought in a SWAT-team without telling me?' Steve fumes, slamming both his hands down on the table. He's got a few bruises on them from assaulting Karpov, but he doesn't feel the pain. There's too much anger in him to feel anything else and they'll be gone before the day is over, anyway, since they'd already faded considerably on the flight back to DC. Bucky's stayed completely still and quiet for the entire seventeen hours and thirty-two minutes they've had him in custody. 'Where did they take us? What is this place?'

Natasha's sitting at the other end of the table, legs and arms crossed, face completely blank. 'Are you done?' she asks monotonously.

'I'm not anywhere near done, Natasha,' he says, leaning in closer to her. 'After everything we've been through with SHIELD and HYDRA. After STRIKE. How you could do this?'

'How could I not?' Natasha spits. She's not the least bit intimidated by Steve - as one of the few people on the planet - and if they had been in any other situation than this one, Steve would have loved her even more for it. As it is now, he has to call on every bit of restraint he has not to knock the legs right from under the chair she's sitting in. 'Steve, he is the world's most deadly weapon.'

'He's not a weapon!' Steve yells angrily. He can tell from the set of her jaw and the furrow in her brow she's about to bite back, but she's stopped before she even has a chance to speak.

'Did you have to go behind our backs?' Sam says calmly from the corner of the room, making Steve feel like a petulant child, because this is what the conversation should really be about. Sam's leaning against the wall, posture just as closed-off as Natasha's is. 'We're supposed to be a team. That means full disclosure.'

'And you think he would've let me bring back-up?' she asks incredulously, leaning to the side so she can look at Sam.

'I'm right here,' Steve says, frustrated.

'I know.’ Natasha turns back to him, one eyebrow raised. 'You're hard to miss when you're threatening me.'

The comment makes Steve sigh and hang his head, before finally backing off. 'I just wish you would have told me.'

'Look, Steve, I wanted to.' Her voice and face are a lot kinder now than they were a minute ago. She does understand, Steve knows, perhaps better than anyone else what he and Bucky are going through. 'But I know you would've snuck off to find him without me and I couldn't risk it. We had no idea what we'd find or how things would go. What if he hadn't come with us?'

'He's my best friend, Nat,' Steve says and Natasha shoots him a look that clearly tells him she thinks he's being foolish. He doesn't really care right now. Even she admitted they hadn't needed violence or force to bring Bucky in. That has to mean something.

'Who tried to kill you a few months ago,' she says softly, but firmly. 'He used to be your best friend, but right now, no one can tell what or who he is. Not him and probably not even HYDRA either.'

'I'd have thought you of all people would cut him some slack,' Steve bites out, already regretting the words before they've even come out of his mouth. He winces.

'It's exactly because of that that I wouldn't. I know how volatile he can become, how dangerous he is already. I've been there, Steve. I know to the last detail how invasive these procedures were. I know all the moves to the Nutcracker. I can speak languages I was never taught and sometimes, I wake up and go through a morning routine for a life that was never mine.' Natasha speaks in low tones but quickly, like she wants to get it over with. It doesn't hide the quiver in her voice. She never once breaks eye-contact. 'And I wasn't even the Red Room's showpiece. I was one of many mass-produced agents. Imagine what it must be like to be the first HYDRA tried that on, think of the trial and error. Think of that happening to you for fifty years and then tell me how he is not the most dangerous person we have ever come across.'

'I'm sorry,' Sam says quietly and genuinely. 'I'm sorry you had to go through all that.'

Steve takes a step back and feels ashamed for even mentioning it, because the pained look on her face is even worse than hearing her describe it. So he doesn't say anything. He wants to, so badly. He wants to reassure her and comfort her and thank her, but he doesn't think the words to express all that exist. So he says nothing and looks at her, he tries to smile and she tries to smile back.

'I know you want to help him,' Natasha says eventually. The compassion Steve's heard in her voice earlier is back, so he thinks she might have already forgiven him for bringing it up, even though he doesn’t deserve it. 'There is not a doubt in my mind that you would do whatever you could to make Bucky better, but you have no idea what kind of ride you are in for, Steve. You cannot solve this problem on your own. So let me help you.'

'How?' Steve asks. 'Where did you even find these people, Nat?'

'I didn't,' Natasha answers, shifting on the chair and looking away for the first time. Alarm bells go off in Steve's head. 'Clint did.'

'You?' he blurts out before he can stop himself. He doesn't have to specify to get a curt nod from Natasha.

'They can do the same for Bucky,' she continues. 'Or they have the best shot at it, at least. Bruce is coming in to help too.'

'I can't ask this of you.' Steve sighs and leans against the edge of the table. 'You've been through enough as it is. You've done more than enough.'

'I can handle it,' she says reassuringly. 'This is what Bucky - and you - need right now, so I called in a favor.'

'I can't ever repay you for this,' he says. It's true, there is no way he could do for Natasha what she is doing for him now - she is not just opening up about her past, but she's letting herself relive parts of her life that she would completely undo if she could. Steve's been through a lot, but he doesn't have the same skeletons in his closet, not even close.

'I owed you, remember,' she tells him with a small smile as she leans back into her chair.

'So what do we do?' Sam asks, voice just as determined as when he had asked Steve when they'd go looking for Bucky.

And Steve is overwhelmed with gratitude and admiration for the two people in the room with him, who owe him nothing but are here just the same. When he'd just woken up, he couldn't have imagined he'd ever have friends again. Now, he's found three in just a few months' time.

'Let me give you the grand tour, boys,' Natasha tells them as she gets up and leads the way out of the room, once again leaving the two men to follow her.

*

The tour is... intense. Steve can't think of another word for it. Not in the least because he doesn't really understand half of what Natasha is explaining to him. She shows him around a conference room, two offices that are apparently used for therapy and a lab that makes his blood boil.

'Relax,' she says under her breath. 'He's not here to be further experimented on. For the first time in decades, probably.'

'Doesn't look like it to me,' Steve says through gritted teeth. 'A lab, Natasha?'

'I'm not gonna lie,' she answers with a shake of her head. 'This is not gonna be fun, Steve. But sometimes the end has to justify the means.'

'Does it?'

'Look, this is the best chance he has of making sense of the chaos in his head,' she says and stops him from walking any further. 'I mean it. Without help, he's going to go insane.'

'This is what you call help?' Steve asks angrily, pointing at their surroundings.

'The best,' she tells him immediately, face determined. But then her expression softens and she gives him her patent half-smile. 'Let me show you.'

She guides him into a small rectangular chamber a bit further down the corridor they are in. It's bare and clean and there's two people - a man and a woman - already in there. The man isn't very tall, not compared to the woman towering over him. He reminds Steve of Santa Claus, with his white hair and beard, round reddish and kind face. He smiles at them as they enter. The woman is the exact opposite: tall - even without her stilettos - and skinny. Her long blond hair is coiled up in a neat, severe bun to match the look on her face. Steve can immediately tell they're doctors, he'd seen enough of them before he joined the army.

'How is he?' Natasha asks them without introducing Steve. There's a familiarity to her voice that he can't quite ignore, so he has a good guess as to who these people are exactly.

'Quiet,' the woman says and nods. 'Unresponsive. He's only spoken a few words since he came in. It seems that he's retreated into his own mind, which was to be expected.'

She turns to look at the only window in the small room and when Steve follows her gaze, he realizes he's behind a two-way mirror, looking right at Bucky.

He's sitting at a table made out of stainless steel, on a matching chair which he's handcuffed to, and he's staring into nothingness. In the far right corner of the room, he sees a bed with next to it a sink and a toilet. All stainless steel - cold, clinical, exactly like the kind of place HYDRA would have kept him.

'You put him in a cell?' Steve asks. He's so angry he wants to break Bucky out right this minute. 'He's not supposed to be a prisoner.'

'Then what is he supposed to be?' the woman asks, looking at him for the first time. When he doesn't respond, she adds, like it should be obvious, 'No matter how we dress this up to try and hide it, we all know he's not here voluntarily - especially him. Pretending he is will only make him distrust us more.'

Natasha ignores their exchange and keeps speaking to the man. 'The few words he did speak, what did he say?'

'Well,' the man says with a small chuckle. 'I haven't heard any Russian in a very long time, so I'm a little rusty and I was never that good to begin with, as well you know.'

Natasha smiles warmly at him and Steve feels uncomfortable, like he's intruding on a very private conversation. 'You were fine.'

The man looks pleased to get such a compliment from her (which he has every right to be - Natasha's compliments are far and few in between). 'From what I could tell, he seemed to be asking for some food? A fish-dish, basil and carp. We're thinking that perhaps that's what he was fed? Is it a common prison food in Russia?'

Steve's Russian has never been anything to write home about, but it only takes one glance at Natasha's face to realize what this is about. His heart stops beating completely - or it feels like it anyway - and he struggles to breathe. Natasha raises an eyebrow at him, but she doesn't otherwise react.

'He wasn't asking for food, but for an officer. Vasily Karpov,' she clarifies. She looks completely relaxed, but Steve can hear a strain in her voice. 'We're assuming he was the Soldier's handler. We brought him in same time we found him. Things got... a little rough. He saw everything.'

'That actually explains a few things,' the woman says. 'When he got no answer, he shut down.'

'Is he -' Steve starts, but he has to stop and try again. 'Is he back under HYDRA's control?'

His blood runs cold. They didn't know where Bucky had gone after the helicarrier, but since he hadn't turned up to try and kill any of them, they'd assumed he'd broken away from his controllers. But when he thinks about it now, it was a foolish thing to assume anything about Bucky - a lesson he thought he'd learned a long time ago.

'We have to believe he was never not under their control,' the man answers sympathetically, like he realizes how much this hurts Steve to hear. 'But even if he hasn't been with HYDRA in a while and Karpov was indeed his handler, seeing him captured is bound to have some effect on him. Withdrawing is a common one.'

'It will take us a while to coax him out of this state, but once we're there,' the woman continues, 'we will be able to get a better idea of what or who we're dealing with and start treatment accordingly.'

'Thank you,' Natasha says, and Steve can tell it's heartfelt.

'It's what we do, Natasha,' the man says just as kindly. 'We are always happy to help a friend out.'

'If there's anything we can do to help,' she answers. 'Steve has known this guy all his life. He can help you with whatever you need.'

Steve feels his neck and face heat up. Help? How? He's the one who put Bucky in this position - not just once, but twice. 'I don't,' he begins to say, and then his mouth suddenly gets too dry to speak. He licks his lips and swallows, then tries again.

'I put - I was the one who got to Karpov,' he finally manages to choke out. 'I can't - I don't know if I'm going to be of any use, not when I'm. I let my emotions get the better of me. That's not going to help Bucky.'

'Are you saying you don't want to help?' Natasha asks as she turns around to face him, she doesn't even try to hide her surprise.

'No, I do,' Steve insists, running a hand through his hair in frustration. 'More than anything. But if I'm going to end up doing more harm than good because of it... Maybe the best way I can help for now is staying out of everyone's way.'

'That's a wise decision,' the woman says. 'And undoubtedly a very difficult one. It shows what a great man you truly are, Captain, that you can put the Soldier's needs before your own.'

'Bucky is all that matters,' Steve says before he can think the better of it, and it makes the doctors frown.

'He can still come and see him?' Natasha asks, but it sounds more like a statement than a question.

'Of course,' the man says. 'This room is always open to him, as long as he doesn't intervene in the treatment.'

'And as soon as he is ready to meet you again, we will reintroduce you,' the woman says reassuringly.

He nods his gratitude at her. Maybe Steve does like her after all.


	5. V

**V.**

'You are James Buchanan Barnes,' the man who looks like Santa Claus - doctor Hughes, Steve now knows, says.

'У меня нет имени,' Bucky says monotonously, staring straight ahead.

Behind the two-way mirror, Bruce takes off his glasses and rubs his eyes. 'Anyone else speak Russian?' he asks wearily.

-

'You are James Buchanan Barnes,' doctor Hughes says.

Bucky's response is immediate, angry, violent. He kicks over the table in front of him and rattles his arms in the cuffs. 'I am the Winter Soldier,' he yells.

Steve has to look away.

'At least he's yelling in English now,' Nat says, sounding completely unimpressed and unperturbed. She raises an eyebrow, but doesn't take her eyes off Bucky.

-

'You are James Buchanan Barnes,' Hughes says, with just as much conviction as the first time he'd said it, about a week ago. It's impressive. He still looks friendly and open, like he might come down your chimney to bring you presents, but he also looks like he wouldn't take too well to being disagreed with.

Bucky's metal arm is lifeless, strapped to the table, with all signals from his brain into it jammed by a big, alien-looking cuff - courtesy of Stark Labs and Tony's perpetual insomnia.

'Whatever,' Bucky says and rolls his eyes.

-

'You are James Buchanan Barnes,' another man says, because the psychiatrists decided that spending too long in this intense kind of "therapy" with the same person might make the Soldier think of them as his handler, which is obviously not what they want. This man, however, is just as convincing.

Bucky says nothing, just keeps staring at the two-way mirror, right into Steve's eyes that he shouldn't be able to see.

-

'You are James Buchanan Barnes,' Barnett - the blonde, severe woman says, because days have passed and the second man didn't get anything out of Bucky and the doctors were curious about his reaction to a woman.

'For you, little lady,' Bucky says with a smile as he leers up at her, 'I could be.'

Natasha makes a gagging noise, Clint laughs and covers it badly for someone who's supposed to be a first class spy. Steve feels his heart break a little more (not because Bucky's hitting on a woman, but because it's so like Bucky to do this and so not like him, because the timing's all wrong. At this point, the Winter Soldier couldn't be farther from being his best friend, but he's never been this close either and that's what causes another crack).

-

'You are James Buchanan Barnes.' Doctor Hughes is back. All in all, he got the most response out of Bucky, and he's not been around him for long enough that they thought it would be safe to send him back in.

Steve has to admire his stamina. Bucky is nothing to this scientist, but he's still here. Still trying. It's another one of those examples where Natasha Romanoff manages to secure people's loyalty in a way Steve's not entirely certain she's aware of. It is a talent she was born with, rather than a skill she'd honed by years of espionage. She's magnificent like that.

'You know that even if he used to be in here, he's long gone,' Bucky says angrily. 'You can tell your precious little Captain that.'

Steve sighs. Bruce claps him on the shoulder. 'It's actually progress,' he says gently. 'At least he recognizes the possibility that he used to be Bucky. That's something.'

Steve's not so sure it is.


	6. VI

**VI.**

According to Bruce, this is only phase one. Steve really can't bring himself to think what phase two might be, or - God forbid - that there could be more phases to follow.

'It's not what you think,' Natasha says, and Steve snorts. 'Really. This will make him better.'

The certainty in her voice makes him look up, right into her eyes which are dead serious and stern. Steve wants to kick himself - he'd been so busy thinking about Bucky and what they were doing to him that he completely forgot Natasha had been through this herself. How he managed to forget, he can't imagine. Goes to show that when it comes to Bucky, Steve's head isn't on straight.

'I'm sorry, Nat,' he manages, hoping she gets all the things he's sorry about. 'Are you - I mean - Is -'

'I'm okay, Steve,' she says with something that's not quite a smile, but that comes damn close. She even sounds amused. 'It was a long time since they had to do this to me. I've found ways to deal with that, but only because they did it so well. Trust them or if you can't trust them, trust me. They know what they're doing.'

'What are they doing?' Steve asks, not liking how desperate he sounds. He knows he's said he'd stay out of their way, he would never do anything that would complicate things for Bucky, but that doesn't mean it's easy to watch them treat him like a traitor and an enemy when he is just as much of a victim as the people Steve's been fighting to save all his life.

'Trying to see how much of your friend is still in there,' she says with a shrug, like it's no big deal whatsoever. Steve assumes this is one of the ways she's found to deal with this, because he knows it affects her a lot more than she's willing to let on. 'And trying to draw out what's left.'

'And what if there's nothing?' Steve asks hesitantly. He doesn't want to know the answer, but he doesn't not want to know what he's in for even less.

'Then they'll try to arrange whatever they find well enough for him to function on his own.'

He wants to ask her which of the two happened to her, but she's already given him more than he's ever had a right to expect and she's been helping him (and Bucky) way beyond the call of duty. So instead he asks, 'And is this the only way?' He gestures at the scientist who's currently yelling at Bucky that he's Bucky. 'How is this better than HYDRA's brainwashing?'

'It's not, but it's necessary,' Natasha answers simply.

'Really?' Steve asks, feeling agitated. He's so grateful to her he doesn't even know how to put words to it, but this entire thing just doesn't sit right with him. 'Treating him like this is necessary? We have to talk at him? Yell? We should be treating him like a human being while trying to put him in his right mind.'

'No, we shouldn't, Steve,' she bites out. 'You can't treat him like something he doesn't believe he is. It would only make him suspicious of us and that would set us back right to the beginning.'

'What?'

'HYDRA treated him as an object, an asset, you know this.' She sounds reasonable and calm, but Steve can tell she's ready for a fight if he wants to pick one. 'He's not supposed to make choices or speak or even think. He hasn't done any of those things in seventy years. All he was good for, was cleaning up their dirty work like a robot. If you try to give him that kind of freedom now, without first making sure he knows how to do things on his own, or even without him knowing it's okay to do them, how do you think he's going to handle it?'

Steve sighs heavily, feeling the fight drain out of him. 'Badly,' he admits sullenly.

'Very.' Nat's voice is gentle now, like she's sorry she has to tell him this. 'So you see, first we have to make him accept he's a human being - one in particular - and then we can start treating him like one, like the equal that you already know he is.'

'Is that why they didn't want me near him? Because they knew I wouldn't be able to do that?'

'Memory serves, you were the one that suggested staying away, Captain,' Nat counters.

'I didn't expect them to agree so quickly,' Steve huffs and then nearly smiles at how mopey he sounds. If Bucky were to hear him, he'd never live it down, and that's what keeps him going. No matter how frustrated or desperate he gets, he's having a picnic compared to what Bucky's going through.

'I know this is hard for you, Steve,' Natasha says compassionately. 'And you're handling this better than I ever would. Once he's ready - and once you are - you're the first one we're bringing in to help.'

'Thanks, Nat,' he says and Steve hopes that she knows he's not just thanking her for the conversation, because the only reason he's handling it as well as she seems to think he is (even though he feels like he's making one wrong turn after the other), it's because she and the other Avengers are there to support him.


	7. VII

**VII.**

'You're not like the others.'

Bucky's voice is hoarse and croaky, like he hasn't used it in ages. Steve wouldn't even be sure he had actually spoken if it weren't for the stare he gives the two-way mirror, clearly expecting a response.

He sighs and runs a hand over his face. He shouldn't be here - he should've left the moment he walked in and noticed the distinct lack of supervision he was promised would always be there to help Bucky when he needed it. But on the other hand, it's just him and Bucky for the first time in seventy years. Even if Bucky's not supposed to be able to know he's there, how could he pass up that chance?

This doesn't sit well with him, however. He's nervous and afraid that every move he makes might cause Bucky to have a setback he might never recover from - even if this, whatever this is, feels kind of like coming home.

Turns out that Steve doesn't get more patient with age, like most people do. Sure, seventy-odd years have passed, but in his defense, he wasn't awake for any of them and they didn't teach him what a virtue patience could be.

And Steve knows he said he'd wait. He knows that's what he should do, that he should look for the doctors and psychiatrists Bucky needs around, or at the very least that he should go back home. But it's Thanksgiving. It's Thanksgiving and it has been seventy-odd years since he was alone with Bucky and even if he wasn't awake for any of them, he doesn't think he can spend another day not being around his best friend without going insane.

The doctors had promised that he could come and watch Bucky's progress any time he wanted as long as he didn't intervene and up until today, he hadn't - hadn't planned on doing that. But here he is, picking the lock to Bucky's cell (which really turns out to be laughably easy to get into), hoping against all hope that he isn't ruining everything they'd worked for. Even so, he knows he's not going to leave, not even if his life depended on it. Because Bucky asked him a question, and God help him, when Bucky asks, Steve will always answer.

Steve wants to groan and punch himself in the face for preferring being locked up in a cell with not-quite-Bucky to celebrating Thanksgiving with Tony and Pepper who had graciously (and, in Tony's case, with very little choice in the matter) invited him, but there it is. Having Bucky this close to him - even if they can't laugh or talk or touch the way they used to - soothes him, makes him feel the closest thing to home he's felt in a long time. It's messed up, but he can't deny it.

'How so?' he asks, long after he makes it into the cell. He leans awkwardly against the two-way mirror, crossing his arms, but he tries to calm himself by remembering that even with the security measures in place, Bucky had still figured out he was there, and probably had figured out he was there by himself.

Bucky stares at him, takes everything about him in, studying him, before he answers. 'The others, they have to be here. It's their job. You don't -' He falls silent and swallows, like he's not sure he should even continue. 'You're here because you want to be.'

Steve has to hold his breath for a moment, because if he doesn't, he's pretty sure he'll be gasping for air. He's hit hard by the truth Bucky speaks and thinks he might physically stagger underneath the weight of it. It's the first time since Bucky's been here - that Steve knows of - that he's the one to engage in conversation, that he starts speaking without being spoken to. That he speaks, not spits. It's big, Steve knows, and he can't mess this up. It feels like the biggest burden he's ever had to carry.

Not even HYDRA weighed this heavy.

In the end, he just nods, because he's not sure his voice would work anyway. 'Yeah,' he manages to rasp, voice just as hoarse as Bucky's.

'Why?' he asks quietly, brow furrowed. If Steve can still read Bucky's face after seventy years - and he's pretty sure that's an art he'll never ever forget - he's left no doubt that this is not a game the Soldier is playing. He genuinely wants to know.

He can't not answer it, couldn't refuse such honesty even if it wasn't Bucky sitting in front of him. But he can't answer with the truth, either. Not the complete truth, anyway.

'That's what friends do,' he decides is the best reply, without giving everything away.

'I don't have friends,' Bucky hisses, like the word alone might poison him.

'You have me,' Steve says before he can stop himself. 'Whether you believe it or not, whether you remember it or not, I'll be right here.'

'I'm not -' he starts again, but Steve cuts him off. He's heard him say it so often now he doesn't think his heart could take it one more time.

'I know,' he says quickly. He leans forward, shoving his hands in his pockets to stop himself from reaching out. 'I know you're not him, but you used to be. That's enough. If you are never him again, it's enough.'

The look Bucky gives him at hearing these words isn't one that he can easily interpret, it's one that he can't remember ever seeing before, but he can tell there's no anger in it, no heat, as those ragelines etched on his face ever since Steve found him again disappear for just a second.

Bucky doesn't speak any more after that, but he stares at him a good while longer, like he's a puzzle that needs solving, before finally getting up from his chair and going to sleep. He lies down with his face to the room, body always ready for a fight. Steve doesn't know if that's a good thing or not.


	8. VIII

**VIII.**

When he's taken to meet the new head of SHIELD in their office, he knows it's not going to be good news. SHIELD - or whatever is left of it - have been trying to stay as much under the radar as possible and they would never give up their location, not even to Steve, if there was any other way to get the information to him. So it's with some hesitation and a stomach like a lead balloon that Steve lets Hill blindfold him and guide him to - well, God knows where. Steve's sense of direction is pretty much unparalleled, but even he can't keep track of the many twists and turns and - is she - are they driving backwards now?

After about an hour of what Steve assumes riding the Cyclone at Coney Island must be like when your body does not protest the slightest gravitational challenge, he's being led out of the car and into a building that is blissfully cool and fresh-smelling after breathing in the stale air in the car. He can tell that he's being helped into an elevator, but even if it's going up or down is a mystery to Steve. It's only when he's pushed down into a very comfortable leather chair that he's allowed to see again - which takes him a while, considering he's been in the dark for some time. He's shocked to take in the room in front of him: it is completely white, walls, ceiling, floor, furniture. Everything is white except from the wall to his right (which is made entirely out of glass showing an equally white corridor behind it) and the redhead sitting front of it. Natasha smirks at him and gives him a little salute as if she revels in seeing the surprise on his face.

'Didn't think you'd be helping SHIELD again so soon,' he says. He doesn't feel comfortable at all - if they had to call in Nat too, this certainly can't be a good thing.

'They just have such a good health care package,' she says, face serious, even if he can see a twinkle in her eye. 'But in this case, they're helping us.'

Just when he's about to ask at least one of the many questions he has about this situation, things slot together in his head. 'Bu- They're the ones helping us with Bucky?'

Natasha shrugs, like she's surprised he didn't figure it out himself, but she doesn't get a chance to answer.

'We are,' he hears someone say from the other end of the room. He jumps a little, wondering if this person had been standing there all along or if he just materialized out of thin air. And when he sees who it is, Steve isn't any closer to figuring out which of the two is the right answer. Anything is possible with Phil Coulson, who is flashing him a small smile. 'Hi, Steve.'

'Coulson?' he asks. He's aware that he sounds a lot more surprised than he feels. In all honesty, after Fury and Bucky and himself even, he's sure he'd be much more surprised if someone actually stayed dead these days. Not that he's complaining - he's seen enough people die. He's lost enough.

Coulson walks up to him and shakes his hand. He looks healthy and crisp as ever in his neat suit. 'Good to see you again, Captain.'

'Likewise,' he says and waves a hand around the office. 'So. New head of SHIELD? The SHIELD that we brought down?'

'The disbanding of SHIELD left us with a lot of messes that needed cleaning up,' Coulson answers with a shrug. 'I've had some practice in that area.'

'I have no doubt,' Steve tells him. Everyone knew that Coulson was the only one Fury had ever trusted enough to bring order to the chaos SHIELD left behind, and he had done a damn good job of it, considering very few people ever properly knew about what they really did - at least until Natasha had uploaded all their secrets onto the Internet.

'The reason I have brought you here is because we are ready for the next step in your friend's rehabilitation,' Coulson says, moving right onto business. He switches demeanor in a split second - not even Steve or Natasha could do it that well.

'And?' Steve asks, looking from Coulson to Natasha and back, the unease he felt earlier creeping up on him again. 'You didn't need to bring me in for that. I would've gone to see him later today, anyway.'

'I'm afraid we are...' Coulson starts solemnly and sits down at his desk. 'Phase one has almost come to an end. If we want him to make any more progress, our treatment needs to evolve, adapt to his progress. We have to be better equipped.'

'Better equipped?' Steve repeats, the words tasting sour in his mouth. 'Equipped for what?'

'Handling someone in the state Bucky's in.' Natasha steps into the conversation calmly and collectedly.

'State? He was fine when I -' Steve stops himself, there. As far as he knows, no one is aware that he visited Bucky at Thanksgiving, and he intends to keep it that way. At least until he figures out what is going on. 'What happened?'

'A breakthrough of sorts,' Coulson answers. 'Unfortunately, this kind of breakthrough can leave the patient feeling vulnerable and turn him unstable and volatile. At this point, he could progress or deteriorate. We need to act fast and give him the treatment he needs.'

'It will be intense and draining. Probably painful. It could turn ugly, Steve,' Natasha jumps in. 'So he's being quarantined.'

'He's what?' Steve asks, getting up and peering down at them. 'I can't see him again?'

'You can,' Coulson tells him and nods. 'Once phase one has been completed, Bucky should have a sense of agency. We should be able to reintroduce you then.'

'You won't have to watch him from behind a mirror,' Natasha adds, voice soft.

'No, I'm not leaving him,' Steve says angrily. 'Until a few months ago, you were controlling him. There is no way I'm handing him over to you.'

'That wasn't us, Captain,' Coulson says, matching his tone of voice word for word.

'You won't be handing him over, Steve,' Natasha says, sounding kind and reasonable. 'I'm staying close, working with Hughes and Barnett. I'll keep an eye out for him and I'll keep you updated every day if you want.'

'What I want is to stay with him,' Steve counters immediately. 'I promised I'd keep out of your way if that was what he needed and I will, but I am not abandoning him again.'

'You're not abandoning him,' Natasha tells him. She's looking him right in the eye, not wavering for a second as if she's willing Steve to believe her. He almost does. 'And you never did before. I know it is not easy, but this is what he needs.'

'There might be a slight -' Coulson starts saying but then he falls silent. 'This part of the process is not so much about making him remember as it is about making him accept he's his own person. Take away the things controlling him and give him the ability to make his own choices. It's only then that he can start accepting that there is a history he should want to know about. And it's only if he does that we can start introducing some of that history to him.'

‘They’re bringing in Karpov,’ Natasha clarifies quietly. She doesn’t sound scared, exactly, but she doesn’t sound comfortable either, as if she already knows how Steve’s going to react. She’s not wrong.

‘No.’

‘Steve -’

‘No.’ He doesn’t say it so much as bark it, this time.

He said he'd do whatever it took to help, even if it was staying out of their way, but letting go of Bucky entirely - not just take one, but many steps back - is not something Steve thought he'd have to do. He doesn't know if he can. He doesn’t want to, especially not if Karpov’s going to be around.

‘They’ll never be in the same room,’ Natasha tries again. ‘He’s just giving us more insight into the procedures HYDRA used to brainwash Bucky.’

‘And you trust him to do that?’ Steve asks. 

‘He has to,’ she tells him. ‘We’re the ones keeping him alive.’

'Because that went so well with Zola,' he snorts. He’s too angry to even feel guilty about being responsible for Karpov having to be kept alive. Right now, he’d do it all over again if he could.

Natasha says nothing, she just gives him a deadpan stare that tells him she doesn’t appreciate being compared to the old SHIELD, to HYDRA. Coulson doesn’t speak either, but Steve gets the impression he’s quite enjoying their discussion.

‘We have his notes and his files,’ Nat continues eventually. ‘The moment we even start to suspect he’s trying to play us, he’s off to the Raft.’

That, at least, placates him. ‘I want to be involved. As long as Karpov is around, I am too.’

'No,' Coulson says flatly. No explanation follows.

'Why not?'

'Because we don't have anything riding on this, Steve,' Natasha says, in a voice that tells him she was expecting to have this conversation and she came prepared. 'We don't have any personal stakes in the matter. Often the most frustrating thing about having amnesia is not the fact that you can't remember something, it's that other people want you to. You would be that person for James.'

'Especially since the first part of the procedure is about enabling him to decide things on his own,' Coulson chimes in. 'A reset, if you will.'

'How?' he demands in return. 'How are you going to do that that you'd need to put him in solitary? Torture him? Brainwash him again?'

'You can't unbrainwash someone,' Natasha says and she's uncomfortable, Steve notices, but she hides it extremely well. 'Just like you can't unpaint a wall.'

'So you're just gonna paint over it? Cover up the mess that HYDRA made?' Steve turns to her. 'How is that going to help Bucky?'

'We're not covering it up,' Natasha replies, crossing her legs and leaning back in the big white chair identical to the one Steve's in. 'We have to figure out what triggers HYDRA implanted in him and how many are left. If we want him to be able to lead his own life after this, we have to make sure there is no way HYDRA can sneak into his head and control him again. The only way to do that is to sneak in first and try to undo whatever they did.'

'He's going to hate you for this,' Steve tells them quietly. 'He's been through enough.'

'All the more reason for you not to be involved in this part,' Coulson says with a nod of his head, like he knew this all along. 'We don't want him to associate you with what's going on.'

He stares at them long and hard, going over every aspect of this situation in his head - several times. Every time he comes back to the fact that Natasha had asked him to trust her, and he'd told her once that he'd trust her with his life. And he does. Bucky's life, though, that's a different story.

'How long?' he asks Natasha and if he sounds harsh, he doesn't really think it matters right now.

She pulls a sturgeon face. 'Hard to tell,' she says as she shakes her head. 'It depends on whatever we find when we get in there. Three weeks, a month maybe.'

'With you?' He doesn't feel the need to specify his questions. He knows Natasha will understand.

'Two,' she says, face not betraying any emotion, but her body is rigid and tense.

He nods at her in thanks, because in the end, if anyone knows what's going on with Bucky right now, it's her. And she's his best chance of getting as much of him back as is possible, so he sighs heavily and rubs his eyes.

'I want daily updates,' he bites out, reaching for the blindfold so Hill can get him home.

*

Twenty-three days and just as many texts from Natasha later, his phone rings. When he answers it, all she says is, 'It's done. Time to dress in your Sunday best.'

Steve is suddenly so nervous, he'd throw up if his superhero body would let him.


	9. IX

**IX.**

'This is the most important part,' Coulson says solemnly when Steve makes it to the compound a day later. All that is standing between him and Bucky now, is a psych eval, which Coulson and Natasha are showing him to. 'Everything leading up to this was just practice.'

'Make or break,' Natasha confirms. She smiles and winks at Steve before turning back to Coulson. Steve knows she's just noticed he's wearing a new pair of jeans, but he will never admit to it for as long as he lives.

'No pressure,' Steve says, running a hand through his hair. 'Okay.'

'Just be you,' she tells him reassuringly as she points him toward one of the offices she'd shown him on the tour she’d given him when they’d first taken Bucky here. 'That's the best you can do for him now.'

He thinks back to how they brought him in in Romania, how he got on top of Vasily Karpov within a second, without a second's thought, how he'd come so close to murdering him right in front of Bucky. He snorts. Being himself feels like it's decidedly not the best thing for Bucky.

He asks Barnett about it in their session.

'As long as you don't push it,' she says. Steve remembers her from when Natasha introduced them. She's got long, blonde wavy hair that's tied together in a neat ponytail. She's wearing a dark gray dress, shoes of the same color, and the same look of compassion Sam's always giving him. 'You need to realize that the man in front of you is not your friend.'

It's not what Steve asked, and definitely not what he wants to hear.

'I know,' he answers, voice strong and loud. It's not the first time he's been told - everyone from the doctors to the cleaning staff seems dead set on reminding him that Bucky's body might be back, but his mind isn't and it might never return. Steve has gotten the message by now.

'I don't think,' doctor Barnett starts, but she falls silent at Steve's look and then clearly decides to change tack. 'I think you know, rationally, what is going on, Steve. But it'll be different when you're in the room with him. It won't be easy for you to go against every habit and reflex that you have when it comes to being around Bucky. You’ll expect things to go back the way they were - and while that is perfectly normal - it will be hard on you once you fully realize that is not what will happen.'

'I can handle it,' Steve shoots back.

'I don't doubt that,' the doctor tells him, eyes twinkling in a way that tells Steve they know about his Thanksgiving visit to Bucky, even though he hadn't breathed a word to anyone about it. It makes him wonder, though. 'He's better, but he's not your friend. Not the one you knew. However, we haven't seen much evidence saying he can't become your friend again. He might not be the same friend, but he's strong to have survived as much as he did and he responds more heavily to you.'

'He has a funny way of showing it.' Steve laughs mirthlessly.

'You make him feel something,' the doctor says. 'And that's more than he can say about anyone in the last seventy years. I can't imagine how hard this must be on you, but don't give up.'

'People keep telling me that,' Steve says, more to himself than to the woman in front of him. 'Like they're more afraid of me making a run for it than they are of Bucky doing the same.'

'We know what to expect from James,' she answers simply. 'He's been under our care for long enough, and so intensely, that we know how his mind works. We know somewhat what his limits are.'

'And I know mine,' Steve bites out, agitated. 'Trust me, they've been tested enough for me to know.'

'I think you're making it out to be more simple than it is,' she says carefully, and she means well, Steve knows, but she's being patronizing and it's bothering him. He’s at least fifty years older than her. 'The mental strain that dealing with this puts on a person is enormous, even for someone with your abilities. You might not realize the kind of stress you're under right now and it might feel like you're dealing well, but at some point, Steve, it is going to catch up to you. And the timing is probably going to be very inconvenient. It always is.'

'I said I'd be here to help him through this and that's exactly what I'm going to do,' Steve says, hoping that that will end the conversation. 'Don't worry about me.'

She shakes her head reluctantly and sighs. Steve can see the defeat in the slant of her shoulders.

'If you're sure,' she says. Then she throws him a worried look and pleads, 'But promise me one thing, Captain. Don't be so consumed by picking up his pieces that you forget about gathering your own.'

There's something in her intonation, the way she carefully avoids _not_ looking him in the eye, that gives it all away to Steve.

'You knew. You knew exactly what was happening at Thanksgiving.'

This time, she can't quite bring her eyes up to meet his, and even in spite of the anger exploding through his veins, setting his skin on fire, he wonders how such highly trained psychiatric experts could be so bad at lying.

'Why?' he asks, vowels clipped and voice low. It’s his dangerous voice, one that he would never use outside of a fight if he could help it, but right now, he can’t stop himself. 'Why would you take such a risk?'

'It was a calculated one,' she says eventually, uncomfortably, like she's scared of him. Steve doesn't mind, for once. 'He was ready. You both were.'

'For what?'

'The test,' she says like it should be obvious and shrugs.

Steve is so outraged, his tongue sticks to the roof of his mouth for a second. He wants to know more - wants to know everything - but he is not sure people will not get hurt in the process of him finding out. And if there's even the slightest chance one of those people is Bucky, he cannot risk it. So instead, he asks, 'Did we pass?'

'With flying colors,' she says, almost proudly. 'James broke right after you left.'

*

Passing the test must also mean Steve passed his psych eval, because after his conversation with Barnett, he gets led towards a room in the same compound Natasha had brought him to when this whole thing started. It's more comfortable than the first cell Bucky was kept in - if this could even be called a cell and Steve thinks that must mean they've really made some progress. There's a couch big enough for Bucky to lie on and a bed that seems softer than Steve's own (which is not necessarily a good thing). Bucky is sitting at the table - wood, not steel - with a book open in his hand. (Dostoyevsky, Steve reads quickly, in its original Russian.)

When Steve steps inside, he looks up at him. To his disappointment, though, his expression doesn't change, face neutral as ever, but there's something in his eyes that Steve catches - it's not recognition or happiness or any clearly defined emotion at all, really, but it's more than nothing and he is willing to take that.

'Why did I save you?' Bucky asks after a very long stretch of silence. It startles Steve - he'd been so lost in his own thoughts, in thinking up scenarios of how this was going to play out, that he'd kind of stopped paying attention to the scenario he was actually in. It's not often that he zones out and that this happens so easily around Bucky now makes him realize that perhaps the doctor was right - rationally he might know how dangerous Bucky can be, but clearly his feelings haven't caught up yet.

'Hmm?' Steve hums by way of answer, stretching his arms a little.

'Why did I save you?' Bucky repeats, sounding even more confused than he did the first time. The book is still open in his hand, his eyes are firmly focused on it, even though Steve knows he hasn’t been reading for a while.

Steve rubs a hand over his face and sighs deeply. 'Well,' he says and takes a deep breath in, holding it for a few seconds. 'There are many answers to that question, Buck. It all depends on which time you're referring to, I suppose.'

Bucky leans back a little, as if he's literally taken aback by Steve's answer, but he recomposes quickly. He puts the book aside quietly and looks him in the eye before he speaks again. 'The river. Why did I pull you out?'

Now it's Steve's turn to be confounded. His head snaps up to look at Bucky, mouth even falling open as he hears the words. It takes him a while to speak, but even then all he can say is, 'That was you?'

Bucky doesn't answer, but keeps staring at him like he thinks he'll figure it out if he looks long and hard enough. Steve doesn't - there is no way he can figure it out, or even begin to understand what this means, but it makes his heart and blood race and he is quickly overcome by a feeling that could either be complete and utter joy or pure, unadulterated fear. And he never thought he'd say this, but he really hopes someone is watching, because he can't even process what's going on right now.

In the end, Steve clears his throat and tries again, thinking honesty is probably the best policy. 'I'm sorry, Buck, but I can't tell you. I suppose the only one who knows the answer to that question is you.'

'But I don't,' he insists. 'Why did I save you?'

Steve doesn't know what else he can say, if there is anything he can say that will not turn this situation sour. He shrugs and shakes his head slightly, feeling more helpless than he can remember feeling in a long time.

'You were my mission but I saved you,' Bucky says, frustration - perhaps even hysteria - clear in his voice. 'Why would I have ignored my orders? I didn't even know I could.'

'Do you know now?' Steve asks, hoping it would distract Bucky long enough to calm down.

Bucky doesn't answer this time. He just stares at him angrily, like he knows he's just said something important, but he didn't want it pointed out.

Steve feels lost. Is this something he should push? Is that an okay thing to do? He doesn't know. For the first time ever since he started looking, he wishes he'd never gotten into this mess. How arrogant was it to think he could even begin solving this? That he could help Bucky?

It is not the same as landing a plane, or even crashing one. It isn’t as easy or straightforward as life or death. This is so much more - more complicated, more difficult and so much more important. Steve is not qualified to handle something like this - not in a million years.

‘Why did I save you?’ Bucky asks again, angrily this time.

‘I don’t know,’ Steve answers as steadily as he can, ignoring the way his mouth has run dry. He is quiet for a while, desperately looking to fit together puzzle pieces he doesn’t even have and then adds the only thing he can say that he knows for sure. ‘But I am glad you did. Thank you.’

He sees a look of absolute horrified terror cross Bucky’s face, but it’s gone nearly as quickly as it came. He gives him another long, hard, empty stare. Eventually, he nods and picks up his book again, opening it on a random page and once more pretending to read. The message is clear, though: this is all the conversation they’re having today.

Steve wants to leave the room as fast as he can. He has wanted it for a while, he realizes, but he stays. He wants out, away from this fucked up mess his and Bucky’s life has become, but what he wants even more is to let Bucky know he’s trying. That he won’t run away. To the end of the line.

He said he would help and he will - even if he thinks he’s so out of his depth he might be doing more harm than good. But this is Bucky. This matters.

So he stays and pretends - just like Bucky does - that he isn't completely lost.


End file.
